Confession

Dear Girl I Wish I Was,

Here’s the deal.

When I first met you, I found myself feeling sooooooo un-perfect next to you.  And then judging you because I thought you were too caught up in your appearance, because you wear a lot of makeup and cute clothing.  And you do and make all kinds of cute, fashionable things for your daughter and for your home and for other people.  So, really, essentially, you’re the epitome of the person I was talking about today.

But I wanted to tell you I don’t feel that way as much now.

And that’s the hard part.  I don’t feel that way AS MUCH.  But in total honesty, sometimes I DO still feel that way about you.

And I lied to you by telling you you’re not that person.  And I felt like it was so obvious that I was, in fact, talking about you, because I brought you in and it wasn’t what I meant and now you must be sitting at home feeling like dirt because your friend just admitted she’s judgmental toward you and then lied about it.  In front of everybody.

I’d leave me, too.

The worst part is I was actually starting to get to know you past the cute clothes and eyeliner.  You were starting to look less perfect to me and more real (and I mean that in the BEST way!).  That’s probably why I even felt comfortable enough to share what I said.  Now I feel like I totally screwed that up today and things are never going to be okay again and it’s all my fault.  And you don’t even know yet that I suck at apologizing.  (I mean I REALLY suck at it.)  But you’re about to find out, unless I decide otherwise.

So I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I’m going to talk to my husband about it today and see what he says.  I know I’m probably making a mountain out of a molehill to some extent.  At least, I hope for all the world that I am.  I hope you’re not that hurt or angry and this isn’t as exploded out as I’m making it.  I really would like to keep getting to know you better.  Even if we’re never the Best Of Friends, to have someone like you in my life that I have thought of as perfect but know of as real would be good for me.

So I’m just going to hope that God somehow infuses this situation with grace and works it out, whether by changing me or giving me grace to let go or I don’t know what.  Whatever it takes.

Signed,

That Girl That Said That Thing Today

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Filed under journaling, Nonfiction

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